Total Drama Island (Honda's Way)
(I apologize in advance for this; this doesn't express the opinions or feelings of the author, and is meant to be stupid). ''' I’m Rhonda’s evil twin, Honda! And I have hacked her account to upload my evil fanfictions to spread chaos, discord and unprotected sex for to the world. As such here is the beloved season of Total Drama Island… as told by me! Mwhahahaha! Chapter 1 Not So Happy Campers (Part 1) Now before you even begin reading I’d like to make it clear that I am trying to be slightly accurate to the Total Drama series. Like the actual series, all the characters you will come to know and love in this series will be either become: *a massive jackass, *mentally unstable * a failure when they did have strengths *pointless filler *overused *a cardboard flanderized cutout of the original *have potential that will never ever be explored or used properly *or ruined in some way that it makes it difficult to enjoy their character in the first season just by association. Thanks to future seasons. In fact mostly like a combination of one of the previously mentioned examples. So with the fact that ''this will all be pointless in the future'' now in the back of your head, let’s start this story of right! In the land of free health care we meet Jeff Probst expy, Chris Mclean; a self-absorbed diva that gets his rocks off abusing and harassing minors in cartoonish ways. Which he gets paid to do while on live television, which people watch, laugh and enjoy.'He is my favorite character, perhaps only rivaled by Zeke-Gollum, Mal, Amy and Zoey in future seasons. ' So Chris explains the premise of the show which I’m not even going to say because why would you be reading a TD fanfic without knowing anything about the source material? Not that I actually watched this show like my twin (I was too busy having a life and getting laid). But I read the wiki entries on the episodes and skimmed youtube clips, so I’m naturally an expert. First up, a fat short pair shaped girl named Beth. She’s probably the least skank dressed character here because she’s a nerd, and nerds don’t get laid. Anyone she’s awkward because she’s a nerd and that’s what nerds do. Than DJ shows up, and says the camp isn’t what he expected. Than there’s *ugh* Gwen. Gwen thinks dying her hair and dressing in black makes her tough. It doesn’t. “I’m the misunderstood intellectual main character,” Gwen states. “That’s why I dress like a '''shank.” She’s upset that she didn’t read the fine print carefully, and is now stuck in shitville. Trying to be cool, she rips up a contract, which everyone and their mom knows is pointless and makes her look like a dumbass. Geoff shows up, probably high on weed (the drug for pussys) and annoys Gwen by saying ‘man’ a lot. “I’m the misunderstood intellectual main character,” Gwen states. “That’s why your bro routine pissing me off, despite the fact you’re just being yourself and doing nothing bad to me.” Than the next whore arrives, Lindsay. Lindsay isn’t intelligent, and as we all know, not being smart means you obviously have to be comic relief and nothing else! She’s hot, you can tell because she has BIG OL’ TITTIES, and sluttly clothing, even more than most! Heather arrives next, and off screen DJ got a nose job and than changed afterwards. Duncan follows, trying to be badass, but looking fake as shit. The next guy crashes water skiing. This is Tyler, a guy who wants to do sports but can’t. And no one really tells him and tries to steer him away from an unpromising career that could kill him,which I find hilarious. Next is a nerd, whose awkward because he’s a nerd and that’s what nerds do. He claims to have skills er…skillz, which he may have but will never earn him respect like all nerds! I appreciate this realism. Next is Trent, who smiles at Gwen, which causes her to blush. “I’m the misunderstood intellectual main character,” Gwen states. “That’s why I immediately fall for a guy I just met and now nothing about.” Spoilers here, but Trent and skank’s Gwen’s relationship will become pointless by season two, and hardly interact after that. This makes each and every scene they have together completely and utterly pointless'''in the grand scheme of things. Keep that thought in the back of your heads while your read this as well. Next is Bridgette, another girl dressed like a slut but a dirty fucking hippie. No one gives a shit about the environment, am I right? I mean, if global warming was real why are places getting cooler? Answer that fucking question AL GORE! Also, Geoff wants to fuck this bitch or something. Next is Noah, who everyone loves but doesn’t do anything memorable. He may also be gay, but is never stated as such. Because kids entertainment can’t even show or mention a gay character or else kids will become gay! But all these scantly clad women and hot teenage make outs these kids have won’t encourage sexual actions or confuse kids, just so we’re clear. And next is Leshawna; thank god I was afraid we wouldn’t have enough stereotypes! “Hey y’all!” Beyoncé Leshawna states. “Who wants some fried chicken or kool-aid from my weave!” Leshawna reacts negatively to Harold saying she’s big and loud…even though she is. Next is Katie and Sadie. People say they have the same personality, yet the fandom tends to have two different opinions as I (Honda) see it; Katie is great to pair up with Noah or DJ while Sadie…not so much. It’s obviously because Katie is tan and thin, while Sadie is fat. Because fat people are only good for comic relief. I mean seriously, what the fuck is Sadie doing dressing like a skank! You’re fat, you can’t do that! Next is Ezekiel, and Chris is sadly surprisingly '''nice '''to him, and '''totally not ironic given future situations Next is Cody, a nerd whose awkward because…he’s a nerd. His desperate attempts and failures and finding companionship is his joke. Next is Eva, and she’s funny and unattractive because she doesn’t fit into the ideal of feminine standards. Haha, isn’t that ugly girl funny for being strong, masculine and confident! Next is Owen, who has no dimensions as a character…because he’s fat and that’s all that fat people are good for. Let’s all laugh at his obesity, a growing problem facing youth and society today. He also has gay traits but never confirmed gay, because ‘no homo’. But the next guy who everyone lusts over is totally cool for kids. Look at all those women lusting after that man, I’m so glad that wouldn’t be a double standard if Justin was a female. Oh, also apparently that bitch Courtney came between those times, I don’t really care though. Don’t worry though; in future seasons she’s a big asshole and always PMS, it’s great! And last is Izzy, who maybe a masochist given her enjoyment of pain. Then they all get together for a group photo; look them all hugging each other and pretending to like one another, while secretly plotting to backstab each other. The dock breaks under them, likely cause of the fat people. At the campfire pit, Chris explains that the guys and girls on the same team share a cabin. This is never really shown in an episode, so it’s basically pointless. Still, this setup carries no unfortunate implications. Then Chris divides them into two teams; the Killer Bass and Screaming Gophers. “I came up with the team names while taking a shit,” Chris explains. It shows Chris. The contestants will share their thoughts in a confessional aka the outhouse. Heather and Gwen form a conflict; Heather says the bunk beds are as is ‘a little summer camp’. Gwen sarcastically calls Heather a ‘genius’. “I’m the misunderstood intellectual main character,” Gwen states. “That’s why I’m so rude to everyone!” Cody immediately falls in love with Gwen, but she doesn’t want his penis, cause he’s a nerd. She wants the penis of a mysterious guy who plays guitar, cause that works so well. Later, Lindsay shrieks at a cockroach, and DJ does the same (Being a pussy). He jumps and crushes some beds, apparently Gwen’s. It’s hilarious that she now has to sleep on the ground, where she belongs. Duncan slices it up, murdering one of God’s creatures for all the children to see. Tyler brags he could do the same, impressing Lindsay. That’s a tactic real animals use to mate, which means Duncan should not being a pussy about it. Next we meet Chef, another black stereotype! Hope you like your grown black men angry and loud! He makes shitty meals, which is hilarious. Sadly, no one chokes on shit though. Katie wonders how hard the challenge will be (also why the fuck is she at this table? This ho is at the wrong team’s table). DJ says it probably won’t be hard…and it turns out to have them lined up on a cliff. What a fucking dumbass! I bet this DJ guy is cursed. And it ends like that; introducing characters that will disappear eventually so why even bother getting invested? Will Gwen still be a bitch? Will we still have fat people? How will Chris get his rocks off? Is this even a fanfiction? Does anyone even give a shit? Find out next time on Total Drama Island…Honda’s way! Chapter 2 Not So Happy Campers (Part 2) When we last left off, DJ was a pussy and all the girls were dressed like skanks. Not much as changed. If you don’t know what the challenge is here I’ll sum it up: land in the ring or get eaten by sharks, except not really cause this is a kid’s cartoon. So it’s all basically bullshit. Bridgette jumps off and does find, though she may have dropped anything interesting about her while she dived. Then Tyler tries and injures himself. He probably suffers from brain damage. DJ is a pussy and doesn’t jump. What a little bitch, is this going to be a recurring thing? So Chris puts a chicken hat on DJ. Personally, I think Chris could’ve murdered a chicken and decorated DJ in his guts, but whatever. Than Zeke and Harold jump, Harold injuring his nuts, probably never going to able to have kids, thank you Jesus. Than Bitch Courtney won’t jump either, claiming to have a condition that prevents her from doing it. Is it being a pussy? DJ might’ve spread to you. She doesn’t think the other team will jump, which is basically asking for the other team to beat you! Also, she might not dress as slutty as the others in average clothing, but Courtney's swimsuit is prostitute material. Anyway, because Sadie is an attention whore, she won’t jump without Katie. So the two whine, and Katie and Izzy swap teams. So remember kids, if you whine hard enough you’ll always get your way! But I’m sure Katie will go far on her new team. So next are the Gophers, who Chris promises an incentive if they beat the Bass. All right, we have to tempt these teens into doing shit. Heather refuses to jump because she’ll get her hair wet. So Heather is very particularly about her hair (foreshadowing!). So Leshawna argues with Heather, in a big and loud way. When Leshawna starts losing this fight, she decides to be a baby and attempt to murder Heather by throwing her off the cliff! But instead Heather lands in the safe zone. And somehow Leshawna isn’t charged with attempted murder (she probably used the old ‘I’m an oppressed minority’ trick). Leshawna jumps next and successfully makes it. Lindsay, the titted follower, follows screaming she thought this was a talent contest. I assume her talent is sucking dick. Gwen, Cody and Izzy jump and I don’t remember it so who knows the details. Justin lands outside the safe zone, but the sharks fall in love with his awkward design, and carry him to safety. So we have bestiality; for the kids. Someone should totally write a fic about those sharks double teaming Justin. Beth chickens out (pussy) and Heather and Lindsay comment that’s lame, establishing their hypocritical bitches. What a lovable cast of rapscallions. Trent and Noah jump which only leaves one man left…the fat guy. He’s nervous about it and I would be too; he could end up like the fat president who got stuck in the bathtub. Owen jumps and, because he’s fat, makes a splash. And those the Gophers win. The Gophers, somehow not in their swimsuits, sing happily back to camp, like a bunch of pansies. To have obvious contrast, the bass suck more than Lindsay does for her talent. Courtney gets a bug bite while Katie and Sadie get poison ivy on their asses, cause butts are funny. The Gophers work together perfectly while the Bass suck even with Courtney’s leading (shocker I know). Heather apologizes to Leshawna about her behavior, but in reality she’s just being a two-faced fake skank. Don’t worry guys; this apology is entirely pointless in the plot and won't be remembered. Because Lindsay is an idiot, Heather explains she is fake, through clichés. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,” Heather quotes, probably having read that off a cereal box. Lindsay doesn’t pick up on the hint that Heather’s going to use her up and throw her away when she doesn’t need her, like a tampon. Lindsay asks if they’re friends, to which Heather says ‘for now’, making it even clearer that Lindsay is a tampon to Heather. So in case it wasn’t obvious enough, The Bass lose like the bitches they are. At the cafeteria, the Bass discuss who to vote out. Duncan says it should be one of the chickens, and DJ is more muscular so he should stay. Or maybe Duncan just wants some of that black poonanny. Courtney tries to defend her position by pointing blame, randomly on Tyler. No one going to point out how Katie and her fat friend forced a team swap and didn’t participate in the most important part of the challenge because they pissed on poison ivy? Lindsay randomly springs up to Tyler’s defense and plays it off as smooth as you’d expect. But we got more boobs in this scene! The boys ain’t buying Courtney’s lame attempt, but than Ezekiel wonders out loud why they lost when they had more males on their team. He explains that he believes that guys are better than girls. And to be fair, he isn’t wrong. I mean, more girls didn’t jump than boys, a girl lead their team in building their hot tub which failed, Katie and Sadie seemed to be not in control of their emotions and their all dressed like skanks. Not to mention in the grand scheme of things, no girl has won the show in Canada (spoilers). Maybe if you bitches were in the kitchen making Ezekiel a sandwich, you would have won. Just saying. But of course, instead of understanding that Zeke is sheltered and debating him on his opinion, the girls just lose their shit (PMS or something). So elimination happens, and Chris explains the whole marshmallows thing and junk. Boring scene dressing and ambience. He also states that when you leave, you can never comeback. So all these eliminations need to be taken with some levity and seriousness. I mean, as much seriousness as you can when someone is wearing a chicken hat. So Chris starts giving out marshmallows, and Eva isn’t shown for some reason. Maybe she was off changing her tampon, because it clearly wasn’t working. Courtney and Ezekiel are the bottom two, and for one time in the show’s history there is a sense of suspension at the elimination. But Courtney gets the marshmallow and Ezekiel is out. Good work Bass, I’m sure Courtney will never cost you another challenge. Chris suspects Ezekiel was eliminated cause of picking his nose. Besides the PMS, I suspect it was one of the guys trying to get in good with the females by voting him off. Or this show doesn’t care to use logic to explain what it does; your choice folks. The Gophers enjoy their hot tub, and Owen is nude, cause he’s fat and that’s funny. I bet he has a super tiny penis. Just saying. You know you've thought about it. Anyway, Courtney has the camera focus on her and declares that she’ll win this competition and no one will stop her. Uh-huh, whatever helps you cope Courtney. At least there wasn’t a lot of crusty old Gwen this episode. Next time, instead of doing an exciting challenge we watch people fall asleep. Will Gwen still be abhorrent? Will Lindsay still be a tampon? Will Leshawna and DJ continue using black privilege? Find out next time on Total Drama Island…Honda’s Way.